Hidden Anger

Did you know you can be angry and not even realize it? Just because you're not aware you're angry, doesn't mean you aren't. Do you ever just have this irritation build up inside of you that you try to push back down because you know you just have to keep going? You put a smile on your face, square your shoulders back and go on trying to pretend it's not there.

I didn't think I was angry, or at least I thought I had dealt with it. But my anger is currently manifesting this way - I am procrastinating on tasks that have been imposed upon me that I'm not happy about being stuck doing! I thought it was just that I am trying to do things I've never done before, that I'm finding it so difficult, but I realize it is actually that I am MAD that I have to do it! It's my way of rebelling I guess.
I have poured out so much and I'm tired of pouring out.

But, I'm almost at the finish line. Why is it when you see the finish in sight that you feel like you won't really make it there before you collapse? It's at that moment you have to dig deep down inside and pull on every ounce of determination you have to carry through and get it done. I've come too far to give up now. Yet, I can't seem to get into the task at hand tonight. I'm wasting valuable time, yet I feel paralyzed from doing anything. Every time I try and start, I feel like my brain is a cement block, unable to process anything.

Pastor preached about Anger on Sunday. [Click here to listen to the sermon]. Seriously, I'm wondering if he's secretly bugging my house sometimes. For the last several weeks, it seems like he's preaching directly to me. That's how I know God is speaking. I realized though, that I really have been angry for quite some time. I've been mad at the people that caused this situation I'm in the middle of right now. I'm mad at the determination of my husband to right a wrong. I'm mad that the lion share of the work and burden to carry this thing out has fallen primarily on me. I'm mad that I didn't say no to this, even though I was certain it was the right thing to do. I'm mad that it's so hard. I'm mad that it's taking time away from what's really important to me. I'm mad that I feel overwhelmed. I'm mad that I feel mad. I'm mad at the devil for getting his hands in my stuff. While I hate to admit it, I've even questioned God about why He has let this fall on me so disproportionately.

My flesh is fighting this big time, but I've walked with God long enough to know that He allows hard things into our lives for purpose. He's not doing this to be mean, He just sees what's in my heart that needs to be dealt with. Things that I can't even see until I go through times like this. The flesh in me wants to just go ahead and be mad, but I know my Father knows what I'm feeling and He's working to rid me of this junk.

None of this is His doing, but He has allowed it. Yet I struggle just a bit knowing that God could make it all be perfect tomorrow if He wanted to. But He isn't doing that. He's making me walk through this valley, a wilderness of purification. I know it is necessary to work things out in me that need to be worked out. I have to feel the depths to appreciate the heights. I have to know the pangs of this desert place to experience true healing and freedom from what I've carried. Otherwise, I would just continue to push it down and not face it.

When something hurts deeply enough, you get to the place where you can't stand it anymore. You HAVE to deal with it. That means facing the truth. That means admitting that I'm not a perfect person. I have to forgive whether I want to or not. I have to even if the wrongs never get made right. It sure doesn't come easy. I find I have to do it every day all over again because the circumstances are so raw right now.

The truth is that real beauty isn't cheap. The clam takes an irritant and turns it into a priceless pearl. A flower gives off the most beautiful fragrance when it is crushed. So it is with us. The sweetest and tenderest hearts come from getting through painful times of testing knowing that the clay is safe in the potter's hands.

This is the kind of thing that got Martha in trouble! She was mad at Mary for enjoying the Presence of the Lord when she had to keep working or the job wouldn't get done. Sometimes, you just have to set the work aside, no matter how close the deadline is. If you're toast, it doesn't matter anyway. You need to step away from the task and get in His Presence. And don't feel a bit guilty about it either!

This song came on my playlist while I was writing this and the words spoke to me so deeply and seemed applicable right now. No matter how bad things feel sometimes, always remember you can rest in the Arms that Hold the Universe!! The sun will shine again.



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