OFF With Their Heads!!!

In the movie, Alice in Wonderland, the Queen of Hearts is constantly yelling "Off with their heads!" every time something is not to her liking. It seems of late, I can relate to her. I wonder who first said, "I am woman, hear me ROAR," because I can bet you, she was probably a woman that was going through the change.


It's not a pretty subject, or one that many women will own up to, but I have to be honest here and say, I'm kinda struggling here. I seem to be following in my mother's footsteps and entering this change at an earlier age than most. I've been officially told by my doctor more than two years ago that I was in "peri-menopause" which is the undetermined period of time between normal regular cycles and complete cessation of periods altogether. My symptoms have been random and not all that bad... until lately, that is.

I've started developing more and more symptoms that lead to the obvious conclusion. It's getting closer. I've developed such an irritableness that I can't hardly stand myself. I absolutely KNOW I'm showing irritation, but yet I can't seem to hold it back. I have always cared about how I come across to others and never wanted to be offensive, but right now, at this particular point, I don't seem to care enough to hold it in. Yet I feel like I'm standing next to myself saying "what are you doing? That's not right. Get a grip!" But I can't seem to stop it.

Inside, I feel like a war is going on. It's a hormone battlefield and I'm not sure what kind of casualties I'm in for. I feel like a ticked off rattlesnake who's annoyed at even her own rattling. What gives? Why can't I seem to snap out of it? I mean, after all, I can obviously recognize what the problem is, yet, I can't seem to get past the frustration.

Besides the irritation, I'm experiencing a lack of mental clarity. I think its the mental confusion that's bothering me more than any other symptom and is adding to my frustration level. I'm usually considered a sharp person who has her act together and does things well. Right now, I'm experiencing utter confusion in my mind-body connections. I keep having these split-second panic attacks that I've forgotten to show up at an appointment. I've actually done it once, recently. Things just aren't firing quite right and I'm annoyed and somewhat discouraged that I can't keep up with the speed of what's coming at me. My load is actually lighter than it has been at other times in my life, but yet, for some reason I feel quite overwhelmed and incompetent. I know part of that is my perfectionism being upset that I can't operate the same as I did when I was 20, but for crying out loud, when I'm having a sane moment, I can recognize that I'm doing a pretty darn good job and don't need to feel this bad about the few things that fall through the cracks. I think we've already settled that I'm not perfect.

I always thought that when I got to this stage of life, that I would breeze through it, because I have the mind of Christ and have been taught to take captive my thoughts and renew my mind in the Word. I have strong faith to believe truth over circumstances. But here I am, even though I know this is hormonal and I'm not really as crazy as I imagine, I feel I'm a bigger mess than I should be. Thankfully, a recent heart-to-heart with my mom put me somewhat at ease to know that my feelings and symptoms are classic and common to most women who go through this phase of life. And I know in time, this too shall pass.

Still, I can't help but wonder how long I'll be dealing with all these crazy symptoms, and what exactly, if anything I could be doing to get through it with the least amount of damage (to everyone around me). I know some practical things I can do - clean up my diet and get more physical activity into my life (which is a challenge thanks to all the insatiable cravings and lack of energy). Cleaning up my act is all part of my new year plan anyway. But the main thing I know I will need, is lots of time in the prayer closet. There are things bubbling inside of me that I need to say, but they're only safe to say to Him. He knows it all anyway. Maybe I'm just tired of pretense and the real me is begging for release. Maybe if I tell Him all about it I can avoid the mess of spilling it all over everyone else.

I know that this is a natural stage of life and that God designed us this way. He also knows it's not easy being us sometimes. He is acquainted with our suffering. I know this phase brings a roller-coaster of emotions. I thought I was prepared to deal with that. Turns out it's a bit harder than I thought. Just knowing that He is not judging me for having emotional responses to the chaos going on inside my body is a huge relief. It's certainly no license to be mean, but I'm trying to give myself a little break here. God knows I'm trying! I wonder what Rebecca felt like when God told her she had two nations warring inside her womb. I feel like I have youth versus aging warring inside mine. We all know who wins the fight. I just want to be sure I go forward gracefully, embracing the next season. I wouldn't trade the wisdom of age to immaturity of my former youth for anything.

Already, I am beginning to feel the calm peace return. I know God will help me through this. He is the master weaver and I'm just getting some new threads. Yes, the peace at this very moment -- it's a nice moment that I will breathe in and enjoy... until the next thing happens and I'm ready to scream ... "OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!"

Please pray for me :)