Where do I even begin today? It's been quiet once again on this blog. I know I've been missing again for a couple of weeks. I have had plenty on my mind, but just trying to process all that's happened. I'm working it out with God, I guess you could say.
We received some news last week that came as a crushing blow. The news is so contrary to what I was feeling in my spirit, that it caused me to really question my spiritual radar. I really felt sure about this thing,
and to have it happen so drastically different, let's just say it's been a roller coaster of emotions and questions in my mind.
It has not shaken my faith in God, but strangely through this, I feel more resolute than ever in what I believe in. I just don't understand God's methods on this one. However, when I take the time to search God's word and read about the main characters of great faith in the Bible, it is becoming more clear to me. So many times, their situations seemed opposite of their promise, but in EVERY circumstance, one thing was consistent. God had a plan. And He has a plan now, too, in my situation. I really wish He'd let me in on it, but little by little, I am getting pieces of revelation that are making it begin to make more sense. Still there is a huge wall before me that has great uncertainty hiding behind it. Every decision at this point is critical and life-changing. It's a lot to carry.
That's why I know God is in this. Because it is too big and too unknown for me. If I could figure it out, it wouldn't bring God the glory. My first reaction to this news was shock, then anger, disbelief, then grief. I grieved as if I had experienced a death. It's the only way I know to describe it. I wish I could say more about the details here, but I don't feel it is safe to do so. God is speaking to me, but I can't be quick to announce anything to my enemy. He's listening and waiting for yet another opening. I have to guard against giving him any advantage.
I've had a week to take in this information and digest it. I've contemplated a lot of different scenarios, but the reality is, I have no idea of exactly what comes next. Or how it will affect me and my family. This is total trust in God time. There's no room for unbelief. Every step is critical and I have to know I am in step with God's direction. Obedience is critical at this stage.
The funny thing is, I have cried some over the last week, but the Spirit has been comforting and ministering to me intensely this past week. He has even had me laughing hysterically at times. It's so ludicrous I just have to laugh at the whole thing. He is with me through every second of it. He knows the truth that the world will never know or believe. I have not been vindicated in the world's eyes, but I am satisfied in knowing that He knows the whole truth and He will make all things right in the end.
Eternity is fast approaching. This all seems so big to me right now, because it's right in front of my face. But in the weight of eternity, what nonsense! It has taken up too much of my mind as it is, I will not allow this to consume me. I will not hold bitterness and anger in my heart. It's just not worth it. The enemy thought he could use this to break me. What it really did was drive me into the arms of my Father. It also was the instrument of softening and humbling a hard heart of another person involved. The transformation that has occurred there was worth any price I had to pay, or may still have to pay, if it means saving the one that was lost.
Yes, God has a plan. This is not a mistake, even though by all practical purposes it feels like it. No, this is how God has chosen to answer my prayers. Those pleas in the darkness to change that heart. To break through that pride. To disrupt attempts to control our own lives. It is an answer to my deepest heart's desire, to have true and honest intimacy with God. The burn of God's refining fire hurts, but I'd be so lost without it.
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